3 months on…
The last 3 months have been the craziest, scariest, loop the loop roller coaster. I’ve had absolutely no control over how I feel, consumed more wine in the last 3 months than you’ll ever know (drinking isn’t the answer I know, but it helped me sleep), cried a river on numerous occasions and was just an all round mess for a while.
Life had to continue with work, my business, parties, weddings, etc. My friends and family continued being amazing which I am forever thankful for. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Christmas decorations started appearing, Christmas songs would start playing and every time it caught my eyes or ears, I would get a pang of pain in my heart and stomach. It should have been so different.
I moved into a little cottage in Diss. One panic after everything happened was “oh my god where am I going to live?”, but my mum helped me out, again 😊 I guess I never really settled in the cottage as lovely as it was. It felt lonely. In fact, I dreaded going back there to be by myself; with my own thoughts. I stayed there for 2 months. My stepdad suggested I should perhaps move home for a while, save some money and get out of Diss. I thought about it over the next few days and as much as I felt like I wanted to be an independent woman, in actual fact, I DID want to move home. I wanted to be around people. My mum said, “if I was you, I would move for stuff home and go travelling”. No mum I said, travelling isn’t for me. I hated the idea of being in hostels and being around people I didn’t know.
I started applying for jobs in London and spent a good few weeks to and from the big smoke for interviews. It kept me going! I have always loved London. There is something about the hustle and bustle of the place and every time I went, I felt away from all the hurt and pain, being in London felt uplifting.
I ended up getting offered 2 jobs! I thought long and hard about which one I wanted to go for. One was a bit more of a safe option for me - in estate agency. I had done estate agency before and was successful in it, I knew my stuff and knew I would be good in London. The other something totally new which would involve studying, learning something totally new and a bit more of risk! There is always something that intrigues me about the unknown, so I went for the risk! It was set, in January I would be moving to London! I could of commuted from my mums, however the cost of commuting and renting a room were pretty much the same, therefore I thought it would make more sense to rent a room and have a base in London with the option of coming home when I wanted to. Perfect!
It excited me… but only for a short period of time. Every time someone said, “are you looking forward to starting your new job?” I would smile awkwardly and say…yeah! In fact, the thought of knuckling down and starting a new serious job didn’t excite me but only because it terrified me. I would have to not have down days; not have a bad day and I just am not ready for that. I did however still want to do the job because it is an incredible opportunity (with thanks to my friend Stacey) and the learning and earning potential is huge! So, after a few emails back and forth I agreed that I would work for the company on a work from home basis and have the London office to use whenever I needed it! Even better still I received an email a couple of weeks ago to say the location for the training for my new role has been changed from London to Malta! So not only do I get to start something new and exciting, I get to see Malta too!
My mind kept going back to what my mum said… “if I was you, I would move your stuff home and go travelling”. I started following travelling blogs, googling destinations, speaking with other friends that had travelled and had some sort of epiphany! And that was that we live in such a beautiful, wonderful world…and I want to go and explore it! I have gone from being dead set against the travelling, hostel life to being so excited at the idea of meeting total strangers from all over the world to form friendships with. Moving back home has given me the opportunity to really start saving money from starting over again financially after paying for the wedding. A short while after, I booked a flight to Thailand, stopping in Dubai for a few nights on the way over to break up the journey. Spending time researching hostels and looking at activities to do in Dubai and Thailand gave me a sense of adventure and I used it as a coping mechanism for how I was feeling. So, when I felt down, I would get my laptop out and continue to plan by journey around Thailand. I will fly into Bangkok to then get the over night sleeper train to Chiang Mai, to then fly down to Surat Thani and get the ferry over to Koh Samui finishing my Thailand adventure in Koh Phangan for the full moon party! Particularly in the last few weeks I can feel myself getting stronger. Just this week I celebrated going over a week without crying. I have gone from crying every single day, to then every few days, to now going over a week without crying. I recently had to clear out the “wedding wardrobe”. The wardrobe where over the last 2 years I have stockpiled stuff ready for my big day. I do still have my dress, but I have plans for that – keep posted on that one!
I was very apprehensive about posting my blog. I knew I either needed to do it properly and bear all or not do it at all. I designed the site, over time wrote my story and pondered as to whether I should let the world know how I was really feeling and what I really went through. The response has been heart-warming. I have had messages from people that know me but were shocked that they didn’t know what happened. I posted nothing about it on social media. I had plenty I could have posted but I have more dignity and respect than to just post things all over Facebook. I have also had messages off people I don’t know wishing me well which is lovely. Every single message I receive acts as a building block towards rebuilding me. Most importantly I have had messages from others in difficult situations reaching out to me for someone to talk to and that is what I wanted to achieve with this blog - to help others and create a community for the broken hearted so nobody has to feel alone. I still have down days, but that’s OK. I still have days where I think I should be spending time getting ready for Christmas with my new husband and family in-law. But I then think that it just wasn’t meant to be. It’s not my time yet. I didn’t deserve it no, but the silver lining is that it will make me one hell of a stronger person for it. In the long run it will have done me a favour however harsh that favour may have been.
Who knows what 2020 has in store for me! But I do know I am going to put my absolute all into making it the best year yet. I already have so much to look forward to. I get to see two of my best friends tie the knot, trips away with my girls (Amsterdam with my bestest Louise is already in the planning), hen dos, Thailand and I have realised… I am going to be OK.
One of my favourite quotes at the moment...The best project you can work on is yourself <3
Thanks for reading.