My heartbreak story...

I initially had this on the main page...bit of a headliner if you would. Everything was very raw when I wrote this. I should have got married in August 2019, and I wrote this in October/November 2019. It really helped me pour my emotions out in words. Kind of like when you've had to much alcohol and you need to throw up to just get it all out. Weird, but a good comparison.

Anyway, I have removed it from the main page because I want to archive it. Close the book, and pop it back on the dusty bookshelf. I am ready for that now. But for anyone wondering where this blog originated from, here is my story.

My Story...

As the clock struck 12 on New Years Eve 2018 and we welcomed in 2019 I threw my arms around my fiance and squealed "we're getting married this year"! My friends around me cheered and we danced the night away! 2019 was going to be our year!

We had done so much in 2019. We sold our house, put an early bird deposit down on our 4 bed detached dream home to carry on building our future in with our 2 little fur babies (labrador and a dachshund)! We went skiing in February with 2 of our best friends, hen & stag dos in June, we started trying for a baby in June thinking sod it if we are pregnant by the wedding it will be our little was PERFECT.

I spent 2 years planning our wedding. We tailored it to us! No fancy sit down and fish & chips instead, we named each table after a place we were visiting in the USA on our honeymoon, I had made homemade limoncello for when everyone were to toast us as husband and wife. I put my heart and soul into that wedding and it was all worth it because I was marrying my best soul mate. I would close my eyes and vision myself walking down the aisle in my BEAUTIFUL dress with my beautiful friends around me seeing him standing there waiting for ME.

I loved my dress! I had it hanging in the spare room for ages waiting for my alteration appointment. I would try it on every now and again and beam at myself in the mirror. My mum bought me my dress in September 2018. We went to Leeds for a few nights visiting the Emmerdale studios, we went on a random trip to a wedding dress shop to fill some time one morning. When I tried it on I knew it was the one so we went home with it!

He worked away a lot particularly on the run up to the wedding but we had the wedding and 3 week honeymoon to look forward to! I was also very busy with my business. I run an outside catering business and throughout the summer months I am very busy with weddings. My last wedding was on the last weekend in July and I remember peaking through the marquee side thinking this is going to be me in 2 weeks. I was SO excited!

One morning, a week and a half before the wedding whilst away I received some odd messages from him. Something wasn't right. He was saying how he was panicking about the wedding. Were we doing the right thing? He said we both wanted different things. This was news to me! What made us so perfect is that we loved the same things (other than football - but like most women I tolerated it). I went into meltdown mode! I tried calling him, no answer. He said he couldn't talk, not even on lunch. My mum took me back to hers that evening as I had a meeting with the DJ and the lady helping with our catering! I just went through the motions not knowing what was going to happen or if there would even be a wedding. I forced a smile with the suppliers feeling totally sick. I spoke to him on the phone that night and he said he still wanted to marry me. One of my friends drove an hour from where she was to be with me that evening. We drank wine and tried to have a bit of a giggle but deep down we were all on tenter hooks given the uncertainty that morning.

Friday, the next morning he was having doubts again and said over text "sorry I don't think I can do it"... I was with my dad, step mum and my friend at the time and I dropped to the floor in despair. I made the call to my best and closest friends who all rallied around me being the diamonds they are! We all sat outside on the floor (at the local rugby club where my mum was working) in disbelief that we had gone from wedding excitement to this horrendous situation. One of the girls even walked out of her job that day to drive to sit with us all. She just said to her boss "I have got to go".

He was due home the next day so said he wanted me to go home and talk things through. It was the longest 24 hours of my life waiting for the next day to come. I didn't eat and I barely slept. My friend stayed over again and that morning she headed back to hers as I headed home to him. My mum drove me over and waited in the car outside. We spoke...for 4 hours. I walked in and said get it over and done with then. He said he did want to be with me and didn't want our relationship to end. I asked "is there someone else". He replied "no! when do I have the time to meet someone else?"...but his reasons for thinking we want different things were so trivial. He wanted to live in one location and I wanted to live in another. He wanted to go and watch football more, he wanted to start playing football, etc...all things I have never had an issue with. 4 hours and a lot of conversation later he got down on his knees in front of me (I was sitting on a chair at the dining table) said he loves me and does want to marry me and that it was just cold feet. He then kissed me. PHEW! Panic over! We went back to my mum's where I had been staying for the last few nights, fetched my bags and went home together. The girls were on tenter hooks, but I messaged the good news and the wedding was back on!

The next morning we got up early, went and viewed a house (same build but a different new build site - since he said he didn't actually want to live where we had already put a deposit down), went to the field where our marquee was going up 3 days later (he had said he would go to the field Wednesday to mow the lawn around the marquee once it was up), went to the supermarket to get our honeymoon toiletries and made our way home to get ready for dinner with his parents and gran for his mum's birthday.

We went to one of our local restaurants and over dinner we were chatting about the wedding; what we were going to be doing those next few important days! Everything was going to be just perfect! It was... until I got the message.

We had finished our food, his gran done a sneaky and went and paid for the bill and my phone vibrated. I looked down at my phone and thought...who is this?! I opened the message and the blood drained from my face. It was a message telling me my future husband, my best friend, my soul mate had been seeing a girl from Cumbria where he works away for 4 months! I am not talking about a one night little thing, I am talking leading a full on second life with this girl and her 2 young children! Unknown to me, the girls friend added me as a friend on Facebook in April when it all started at had been spying on me ever since! I do so much business through Facebook someone adding me as a friend is an every day things....usually to chat about catering.

I asked for a quiet word outside. He denied it...then it was just a kiss, then it was sex but just once...but the more information this girl was feeding me (who by the way was a friend of the girl) the more he then admitted to. I hurried back into the restaurant, excused myself from the table and said "I'm sorry but I need to leave".

The next few hours were a blur. I was numb. I wanted it to all be a nightmare and any given moment I was going to wake up! I didn't tell anyone initially. I just sat on the chair at home trying to process it all. Maybe it was all a mistake? A misunderstanding? But deep down I knew in fact this was real. 6 days before my big day I had just found out that my best friend was in actual fact a lying, cheating scumbag and instead of being in his hotel room by himself like he told me, he had her with him. They had dirty nights in his hotel which he suggested on occasions (I saw the screen shots of his messages), she had visited him for a whole weekend when he was working away in Wales, he drove to Cumbria the following weekend and spent time with her and her children. I received enough of him on the dodgems at the funfair with her little girl, a screenshot of a snap chat he sent her saying he wanted her big tits in his face when in actual fact I had been laying in the same bed next to him just an hour or so earlier. The lies...the deceit. They had even made sex videos. He told her he loved her.... MY future husband. This affair started in April. Yes, you heard right earlier we had started trying for a baby in June! I thank my lucky stars I didn't fall pregnant.

I went BACK to my mum's on the Sunday. My dad and step mum drove over to pick me up because by this time I had necked a bottle of wine and anything else alcoholic I could get my hands on but I returned back to the area Monday. I walked up to his mum and dad's and his first question was...what's happening with the wedding then. My reply was..."there is no wedding". Over the course of the next few days he pleaded, grovelled, bought me flowers, promised he would change and never do it ever again. I had even considered going on our honeymoon with him (which he also wanted me to do) so I had time alone with him to think. I still however felt that I wasn't getting the full truth. So Thursday I messaged her. I was with one of my other friends and we gave him a window of opportunity to tell THE TRUTH. Something he clearly isn't used to doing. I said I was going to message her. He seemed very laid back and said there was nothing else to tell.

So we all know from the first part of this story that hes a big fat liar and no he doesn't surprise us at this point in the story and start telling the truth. All week whilst pleading and begging he was talking to her too when my back was turned. There were more screen shots, more evidence of his sordid affair. He sent her a message in April telling her our relationship was DEAD and that we were living apart! I got SO angry threw a glass of wine at the wall (I know I regretted in immediately...what a waste of wine) and asked him to leave and go to his parents while I sorted myself out.

So on the 10th of August, I didn't walk down the aisle in my beautiful dress with my beautiful girls by my side...I spent my wedding day boxing up my belongings into a van to move out. The money that we had in the bank account ready for our next house...gone! Gone on paying the wedding off, the wedding that never happened.

I am writing this story 3 months on. There is so much more I could write, but writing this was enough. I would write a few lines and then close my laptop down because writing it, reliving it was too much. So the laptop would go away and come back out a week or so later when I plucked up the courage to write a few more words.

I have a number of friends that have played a huge part in helping me get through these last few months. Whether it be helping me pack up my belongings and loading a van to move me out of what was my home, bringing me drumstick squashies and face packs, offering a room to stay at their house so I can get away or even helping me with day to day life when I need a chat and a coffee. they have all been wonderful. I haven't mentioned names or gone into too much detail about them on here for their own privacy.

My family also deserve a massive THANK YOU for everything they have done for me and the support they have given me over the last few months. My mum, dad, step mum and step dad have all been there to answer my calls at any time of day morning or night. My dad and step mum chauffeured me about when I drank too much to drive, called me multiple times everyday to make sure I was OK, drove to where ever I was to take me out for dinner to ensure I ate. My mum slept next to me for the first week after everything happened. She held me while I cried myself to sleep and held me when I cried waking up. She joined me drinking wine and was there at my every beck and call. My siblings have also been a huge support, my brothers and sister...messages reminding me what an amazing sister I am, the most amazing hugs and phone calls checking up on me. My nans and grandads bringing me flowers and cards. They have all been truly amazing.

He is now with the girl. He has been very public over social media with their new relationship, photos, trips out to the zoo with her children, expressing their love for each other over Facebook and Instagram...cute.

To anyone out there dealing with does get easier some days, it then gets worse, then easier, then worse again. I have felt anxious (to the point where I can't breath), I have felt depressed, suicidal, I have woke up some days got dressed and got on with life, I have woke up some days and cried from start to finish thinking how the hell do I continue living dealing with this pain. The scary thing is not knowing how you are going to feel the next day because you don't have control of it. I have had days where I have thought I will get through this, I have had days where I thought I wouldn't.

One of the reasons I started this blog is to help myself. I feel if I write it down it may help me process it all more? The other reason for my blog is because maybe it will reach someone who is going through heartbreak too. The hardest thing about heartbreak is feeling alone and like no one understands how you feel. Well I do! So follow my blog posts and get in contact if you need to chat to someone! We are all in this together. I will be posting more about what I have been doing post disaster and how I am going about making my life the best it's ever been WITHOUT HIM. Something I didn't think I would be able to do!

Thanks for reading :)

Emma xxx